One Year

These pictures were taken one year ago today.  The morning of the day that our lives were to be forever changed.  The night before was the worst of my life.  It was the night that I first heard the word Retinoblastoma.  Earlier in the day, our optometrist friend called Will and told him what specialist we needed to see.  She told him to call and say that we wanted to "rule out Retinoblastoma."  How I wish it had been ruled out.  He lived with that knowledge for 12 hours before the girls were in bed and he told me.  That may be the greatest gift he has ever given me - ignorance, for just a bit longer.  Yet it pains me to think that he had to bear that burden alone for twelve hours.

When he told me that it could be cancer, I couldn't look anything up online.  I could hardly stand.  Never before had I truly understood what it meant to feel physically ill from merely hearing words, but all night long I was on the verge of vomiting.  I did not sleep, and I cried a lot.  I slept beside Reese that night and Will slept beside Anya, hoping that holding them just a little bit longer or a littler bit tighter would make everything alright.

The next day I went to preschool with Anya because I could not stand to have her out of my sight.  I am still so very thankful to Anya's teacher who welcomed me in despite not having any warning that I would be there.  I cannot recall if I acted anywhere close to normal, I just know that I did not feel myself.

In the afternoon, we headed to the retina specialist in Denver.  Before we arrived at the doctor, we received a call from Children's Hospital saying that Anya was scheduled to have an exam under anesthesia in the OR the next morning.  We didn't even know what an exam under anesthesia was, much less why it was necessary.  I couldn't imagine taking my daughter to Children's Hospital.  We waited in a waiting room full of senior citizens for two hours while Anya danced, laughed, drew pictures, and grew a little irritable from missing a nap.  When we finally saw the doctor, Anya was the perfect patient as she would come to be many times.  He examined her eyes and did an ultrasound to confirm what he saw before telling us that she, indeed, had Retinoblastoma.

That changed my life.  Cancer was not something I ever envisioned while living this dream of marriage and kids.  This year has taken us down the bumpiest road I have been on and I cannot say that I have liked it.  I cannot be one of those people that embraces cancer and enumerates all the ways that it has made me better.  I can say that we have dealt with the challenges that have been served to us, and I think that we have done a pretty good job of it.  But if I could erase May 4th, 2010 and take the cancer away from Anya, I would do it in a heartbeat.  Over and over again.