She can smile even after a day like that

There were times yesterday that I was questioning if it was the worst day yet. How could it be? Compared to the days we had in the beginning of May when Anya was first diagnosed - those were some terrible days. I finally decided that yesterday was certainly in the top ten of worst days, and our family has had some pretty terrible worst days. I would be happy if those top ten could remain the same and never have another contender for worst day status. Sadly, I know there are more to come.

Before I describe the details of yesterday, I should say that Anya is feeling well today. She has had great energy and has been happily bossing us around since 6:00 am. She is sporting a puffy eye that we put ointment in regularly and her pain is being controlled by tylenol.

I think that many of the doctors and nurses underestimate Anya's ability to comprehend what is going on, and they may not know her well enough to know that she is listening to every word they say. While preparing for her procedure, various doctors and nurses shuffle through to examine Anya, ask questions, and give us information. She heard all about needing an IV (something she tells us at least once a week that she never wants again), she heard about what they were going to do with the lasers and the freezing, she heard that it would hurt, and she heard that one of the risks of it all is loss of vision. These things piled on top of one another and finally came to a climax as we walked into the OR room, and Anya completely broke down. Truthfully, I am surprised that this is the first time she has done that. What truly amazed me though, was that as she lay down on the OR table, she got it under control. She didn't fight the anesthesia, she stopped crying, she closed her eyes and peacefully resigned herself to the terrible fate of the day. Then, her mom started crying. In other times, when Anya or Reese have gone under anesthesia I tell them how brave they are and how good they are doing and how very much I love them. Yesterday, although I was thinking all the same things, those words could not find a voice.

The procedure was an hour and a half long. They found that the tumor in her right eye is still responding to the chemo, while the one in her left continues to be stubborn. Both eyes were subjected to lasers and her right eye was also treated with cryotherapy. The cryotherapy is what causes her eye to be red, puffy, and irritated. This will last for 3-7 days.

Waking up from anesthesia was different yet again. This time she received morphine for the pain of the treatment, and it did a number on her. In fact, we were with her almost an hour before she woke up, but I would hardly call it waking. She murmured to us a bit and whined a bit. The most intelligible thing she said was, "my eyes feel funky." She slept in the wagon out to the car and slept all the way home.

Once we were home, she truly started waking and was ready for some food. By this time, it was 7:00 - 13 hours after her last meal. She requested potstickers, green beans, and olives, and then went on to have an ice cream bar. It was encouraging to see her start to return to her chatty self, although she was still pretty tired. The irony of the whole day came when Will was telling Anya that soon Reese will be walking and we are all going to have to watch her because she is a bit of a risk taker. Anya's response was, "That's okay, I am ready for some change in my life."